Would You Give Your Partner Your Phone Passcode?

From infidelity to hidden offshore accounts and gambling addictions, you never know what you’ll uncover if you sneak an unauthorized peek at your partner’s phone. Better take a deep breath before you snoop. If you feel the need to look for clues, that might be the biggest actual clue you have that something is amiss in your relationship.

Despite the preponderance of all types of modern-day cyber secrets, most of us are more likely to uncover tonight’s chicken dinner recipe than our partner’s Hinge alias on their phone. Real-life data shows that 20% of men, and 13% of women admit to cheating on their spouses. This figure is likely somewhat higher than polls show, and doesn’t take emotional cheating into account. Even so, it’s still a pretty good indicator of overall cheating trends.

Feeling worried? For people unsure of their footing in a relationship, asking for a partner’s passcode may feel like a necessary safeguard. Healthy relationships take all forms, however, and experts don’t necessarily feel that passcode sharing is always an indication of closeness between partners.

To find out what makes sense for couples, I connected with two couples therapists, to get their input on this thorny question: Should you give your partner your phone passcode? The answer may surprise you.

On this page:

• Should phone passcodes be kept private in a relationship? ↓
• What should couples do if one wants shared passcodes, and the other doesn’t? ↓
• Good reasons for couples to share phone passcodes ↓
• Bad reasons for couples to share phone passcodes ↓
• How to talk to your partner about passcode sharing ↓
• Frequently asked questions (FAQ) ↓

Relationship styles are not one-size-fits-all. Some couples think nothing of sharing passcodes, passwords, and location tracking with their partner. Others find this level of transparency unnecessary, threatening, or demeaning. It may surprise you that neither sharing or not sharing passcodes represents the quality of the relationship. Rather, it's being in agreement with each other that counts.

“Some couples share passcodes just for practical reasons, and never think about it again. Other couples keep their phones private, yet are very honest with each other,” says Lisa Abrotsky, MS, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, based in Lake Worth, FL. When Abrotsky counsels couples, she looks at why they’re sharing their passcodes, to determine if it comes from trust, or fear. She suggests you consider if you trust your partner enough to provide them with this information, or are you giving them your passcode because they’ve bullied, guilted, or insisted you into it?

If your relationship is built on trust, sharing or not sharing your passcode becomes superfluous. “Transparency and unlimited access are not the same thing,” says Virginia-based couples therapist, Mary McLaughlin, LCSW, who stresses that privacy can exist within a trusting relationship. “Not sharing passcodes doesn’t necessarily mean you have something to hide,” she explains. “A more telling question is this: If your phone dies, and you need to look up directions or the weather, can you ask to use your partner’s phone and expect them to hand it over without hesitation?,” she adds.

Sharing passcodes is not a relationship milestone. A request to share passcodes rarely comes out of the blue, and can represent any number of things. Talking it through is essential. “If one of you wants that kind of openness and the other doesn’t, start with the why. The one who wants it should say what they’re worried about. The other partner should explain what privacy means to them, without getting defensive,” says Abrotsky.

In some instances, the request may represent a logistical change in your relationship. If you’ve recently moved in together, gotten married, or started a family, sharing passcodes might be nothing more than a convenient way to access information about your child’s preschool pick up routine, or determine when the mortgage payment is due.

In contrast, this request may mean that one partner is feeling less secure, and testing relationship boundaries. By communicating with each other about the underlying reasons, couples may uncover issues that require honesty, introspection, and deep communication. If you suspect your partner is hiding something, either about themselves or about your relationship, talking it out is better than sleuthing it out.

No matter what the underlying reasons, it makes sense to come to an agreement to share or not share your passcodes, rather than capitulating to the request against your will. If you give in but don’t want to, that will feel more like coercion than partnership, and is likely to generate less trust, and more insecurity. It may also cause a breakdown in communication and phone snooping, which can worsen a festering wound.

If you’re in a committed, long-term relationship, sharing your passcodes can provide seamless access to necessary information in emergencies, and in unforeseen circumstances. These can include, unfortunately, a medical crisis, or act of nature like a fire, flood, or hurricane.

Day-to-day practical needs concerning your household and family may also warrant passcode sharing. “If both partners like the idea of sharing passwords because it's convenient or just feels right, that’s a good reason,” says McLaughlin. 

If you suspect your partner of cheating or any other type of bad behavior, asking to share passcodes is not a good idea. This is especially true if you’re doing it to test them, or you plan on sneaking access to their phone.

If something has changed in your relationship or feels off, talking it out is the best way to go. Both therapists I spoke with agree, however, that the exception to this rule is betrayal. “If there’s been a betrayal, being more open for a while can help rebuild trust, as long as you both agree to it,” says Abrotsky. “After trust has been broken, increased access to phones may be appropriate in the early stages of repair,” agrees McLaughlin, who stresses that checking phones isn’t a long term solution.